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“I swear on my life that I didn’t do it” said the man with
the gun, standing beside the man lying on the ground with a bullet hole in his
head, who was obviously dead. The man with the gun knew it was a bad idea to
swear on your life (he had learnt that from past experiences). You should never
swear on your own life. It’s OK to swear on, for example, you’re least
favourite aunties’ life because you don’t really care about her. But on your
own life which you do care about, is always a bad idea especially if the thing
you’re swearing your life on is a bad idea to swear your life on. If for
instance, you swore on your life that one day you would repay your best mates
fiver. That’s OK. But swearing on your life that you didn’t kill someone when
you did is a bad idea and well to be honest, killing someone is a bad idea, but
if you ever do kill someone I would advise that you don’t swear on your life
that you didn’t kill this certain somebody. This might be getting a little
confusing so I think we should get on with the story.
Excuse me for a moment but I think I need to sit down for a
little bit, that was all quite overwhelming….. Right, where was I? Oh yes, on
with the story.
It all started many years ago in a galaxy far fa……… oh right
the other story... gotcha. Well this story starts a few years ago when a man,
named Steve, tripped over. Well I know what you’re thinking… oh he tripped
over, very exciting, I think I’m going to have a heart attack* from the immense
tension, but you see the problem was that he hadn’t just tripped over his feet,
he had tripped over a person. Now you’re thinking, why is Steve going around
tripping over people, and I’ll tell you, he hadn’t seen this person due to the
fact this person was lying on the floor looking hopeless and not moving. So
Steve decided to step over him, and well the person moved therefore Steve
tripped over (the person). I am now going to continue this sorry in another
tense than this one (I seem to have forgotten all the English lessons)
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Steve rubbed his head while thinking about the person who
tripped him over. This was a very odd thing because Steve didn’t “do”
multitasking even in the simplest forms (which is why he is always late but
that doesn’t really matter). He turned to face the person who had now sat up
and seemed to be looking around bewildered but not paying any attention to
Steve. Steve was the sort of person who liked attention so was quite annoyed by
this fact but more annoyed that man was not apologising. Steve coughed a light
“excuse me, look at me, I’m over here” cough which was returned by silence. Oh
how Steve hated silence almost as much as he hated Justin Bieber, rap, Brussels
sprouts and walking. He mainly hated awkward silences in which he would
normally panic and stick out his fist and shout “AWKWARD ROCK” which was often
greeted by odd looks and people shuffling quickly away. But silence was bad
enough so he stood up and started to walk away. He heard a murmur behind him
and stopped, then turned around to face the person. The persons face looked
distorted as if he was trying to say something and soon he spoke.
“HEY, don’t I know you?” The person spat as if he it was the
first time he’d spoke in months.
“Ummmm……..” Was all Steve could say. He was shocked by the
fact that the person had talked let alone said something like that! After all
Steve had never been to Liverpool before.
“Hey” the person said a little less raspy this time “I know
you”
“I really think you don’t” Steve hurried out of his mouth
while planning his escape. The man looked dangerous. (Although Steve didn’t
realise it but this was quite remarkable, two bits of multitasking within a
minute).
“Wait….. You’re the guy who ran away with my ex-wife” The
person said with sudden realisation. His head turned to glare at Steve. Steve,
who was completely innocent, began stutter some words treading carefully
backwards as the person stood up moved slowly towards Steve who by then had
never been so worried in his life (except for the time he had accidentally put
too much sugar in his boss’s tea and the boss had, had a hissy fit and started
screaming)
“Um… I don’t recall running away
with anyone’s wife” Steve nervously chuckled trying to put some light on the
situation. It only made it worse.
“Don’t you try and laugh it all
away” the person threatened “I’m deadly serious, and I can prove it to you” The
man reached to a bag on the grown (which Steve hadn’t noticed before) and
pulled out a gun. It wasn’t a very special gun but it was a gun all the same.
“Err…… yes….um….. Deadly serious”
Steve was VERY nervous by now “but I do believe there has been some… well….
Misunderstanding…”
“Misunderstanding… BAH! I know
who you are, your Steve Johnson, the guy who ran away with my wife, I mean
ex-wife. Well I will never forget your name Steve Johnson”
“Well, actually my names Steve
Thompson…”
“Meh…. Same thing”
“But you just said you would
never forget the name”
“And I won’t, Steve Thompson, see
I remembered”
“But you didn’t remember before”
“But you didn’t remember before”
“So you’re saying you admit to
running away with my wife”
“What? No…. I mean….. Huh”
“I knew it” The person said
completely ignoring Steve. “Now give me my wife back” He said raising the gun
“or you’ll pay”
“Ah”
“What you’re saying you can’t
give her back ‘cause then your defiantly gonna pay”
He raised the gun and pulled the
trigger. Oddly, Steve had the song “Russian Roulette” By Rhianna in his head.
The bit that stuck out the most was “so just pull the trigger”. Steve was
desperately trying to get that thought out of his head. He did NOT want that
the happen but sadly, I did.
There was a loud bang and the
person released the trigger. At that moment in time Steve was thinking about
how this was remarkably like an action film…. Although he didn’t feel like it
was. When he heard the shot Steve thought that he saw his life flash before his
eyes but he didn’t, it was actually the movie he watched last night. Then Steve
thought he felt a sharp pain in his chest…. But well…
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DAMMITTT STUPID
BLANKS I SWEAR ON MY LIFE THAT I PUT BULLETS IN THE GUN
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” The person screamed in anger. There is
another semi-classic example of the phrase “I swear on my life” advisable not
to say it, I inform you once again and most likely not for the last time!
Steve looked down at where his
had clutched his chest but felt no pain and gasped; the person had only fired
blanks. Steve could jump for joy but, boys being boys, decided to try and stay
“cool”. So far he wasn’t doing too well in that factor.
“Um… excuse me…” Steve was trying
to think of a name to call the person. Seeing as he had a gun he settled on
“Sir. I think there’s been a mistake…. Sir.
I’ve never run away with anyone’s wife let alone yours”
The person was not paying any
attention to Steve. He was only interested in shouting insults at his gun.
“Excuse me Sir…. Umm… Sir” Steve
sighed. Some more multi-tasking was going on inside his head, he was having a
debate with himself wherever he should leg it out the alley or stay and see
what happens. The majority voted to “leg it” but a tiny, tiny long forgotten
part of his brain, the “adventure” part of his brain, voted to stay. The rest
of the brain wasn’t happy about this.
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WOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH THAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSS A LOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT OF WRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITINGGGGGG!!!!!!
Vita xx
