“I swear on my life that I didn’t do it” said the man with the gun, standing beside the man lying on the ground with a bullet hole in his head, who was obviously dead. The man with the gun knew it was a bad idea to swear on your life (he had learnt that from past experiences). You should never swear on your own life. It’s OK to swear on, for example, you’re least favourite aunties’ life because you don’t really care about her. But on your own life which you do care about, is always a bad idea especially if the thing you’re swearing your life on is a bad idea to swear your life on. If for instance, you swore on your life that one day you would repay your best mates fiver. That’s OK. But swearing on your life that you didn’t kill someone when you did is a bad idea and well to be honest, killing someone is a bad idea, but if you ever do kill someone I would advise that you don’t swear on your life that you didn’t kill this certain somebody. This might be getting a little confusing so I think we should get on with the story.
Excuse me for a moment but I think I need to sit down for a little bit, that was all quite overwhelming….. Right, where was I? Oh yes, on with the story.
It all started many years ago in a galaxy far fa……… oh right the other story... gotcha. Well this story starts a few years ago when a man, named Steve, tripped over. Well I know what you’re thinking… oh he tripped over, very exciting, I think I’m going to have a heart attack* from the immense tension, but you see the problem was that he hadn’t just tripped over his feet, he had tripped over a person. Now you’re thinking, why is Steve going around tripping over people, and I’ll tell you, he hadn’t seen this person due to the fact this person was lying on the floor looking hopeless and not moving. So Steve decided to step over him, and well the person moved therefore Steve tripped over (the person). I am now going to continue this sorry in another tense than this one (I seem to have forgotten all the English lessons)
Steve rubbed his head while thinking about the person who tripped him over. This was a very odd thing because Steve didn’t “do” multitasking even in the simplest forms (which is why he is always late but that doesn’t really matter). He turned to face the person who had now sat up and seemed to be looking around bewildered but not paying any attention to Steve. Steve was the sort of person who liked attention so was quite annoyed by this fact but more annoyed that man was not apologising. Steve coughed a light “excuse me, look at me, I’m over here” cough which was returned by silence. Oh how Steve hated silence almost as much as he hated Justin Bieber, rap, Brussels sprouts and walking. He mainly hated awkward silences in which he would normally panic and stick out his fist and shout “AWKWARD ROCK” which was often greeted by odd looks and people shuffling quickly away. But silence was bad enough so he stood up and started to walk away. He heard a murmur behind him and stopped, then turned around to face the person. The persons face looked distorted as if he was trying to say something and soon he spoke.
“HEY, don’t I know you?” The person spat as if he it was the first time he’d spoke in months.
“Ummmm……..” Was all Steve could say. He was shocked by the fact that the person had talked let alone said something like that! After all Steve had never been to Liverpool before.
“Hey” the person said a little less raspy this time “I know you”
“I really think you don’t” Steve hurried out of his mouth while planning his escape. The man looked dangerous. (Although Steve didn’t realise it but this was quite remarkable, two bits of multitasking within a minute).
“Wait….. You’re the guy who ran away with my ex-wife” The person said with sudden realisation. His head turned to glare at Steve. Steve, who was completely innocent, began stutter some words treading carefully backwards as the person stood up moved slowly towards Steve who by then had never been so worried in his life (except for the time he had accidentally put too much sugar in his boss’s tea and the boss had, had a hissy fit and started screaming)
“Um… I don’t recall running away with anyone’s wife” Steve nervously chuckled trying to put some light on the situation. It only made it worse.
“Don’t you try and laugh it all away” the person threatened “I’m deadly serious, and I can prove it to you” The man reached to a bag on the grown (which Steve hadn’t noticed before) and pulled out a gun. It wasn’t a very special gun but it was a gun all the same.
“Err…… yes….um….. Deadly serious” Steve was VERY nervous by now “but I do believe there has been some… well…. Misunderstanding…”
“Misunderstanding… BAH! I know who you are, your Steve Johnson, the guy who ran away with my wife, I mean ex-wife. Well I will never forget your name Steve Johnson”
“Well, actually my names Steve Thompson…”
“Meh…. Same thing”
“But you just said you would never forget the name”
“And I won’t, Steve Thompson, see I remembered”
“But you didn’t remember before”
“But you didn’t remember before”
“So you’re saying you admit to running away with my wife”
“What? No…. I mean….. Huh”
“I knew it” The person said completely ignoring Steve. “Now give me my wife back” He said raising the gun “or you’ll pay”
“What you’re saying you can’t give her back ‘cause then your defiantly gonna pay”
He raised the gun and pulled the trigger. Oddly, Steve had the song “Russian Roulette” By Rhianna in his head. The bit that stuck out the most was “so just pull the trigger”. Steve was desperately trying to get that thought out of his head. He did NOT want that the happen but sadly, I did.
There was a loud bang and the person released the trigger. At that moment in time Steve was thinking about how this was remarkably like an action film…. Although he didn’t feel like it was. When he heard the shot Steve thought that he saw his life flash before his eyes but he didn’t, it was actually the movie he watched last night. Then Steve thought he felt a sharp pain in his chest…. But well…
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DAMMITTT STUPID BLANKS I SWEAR ON MY LIFE THAT I PUT BULLETS IN THE GUN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” The person screamed in anger. There is another semi-classic example of the phrase “I swear on my life” advisable not to say it, I inform you once again and most likely not for the last time!
Steve looked down at where his had clutched his chest but felt no pain and gasped; the person had only fired blanks. Steve could jump for joy but, boys being boys, decided to try and stay “cool”. So far he wasn’t doing too well in that factor.
“Um… excuse me…” Steve was trying to think of a name to call the person. Seeing as he had a gun he settled on “Sir. I think there’s been a mistake…. Sir. I’ve never run away with anyone’s wife let alone yours”
The person was not paying any attention to Steve. He was only interested in shouting insults at his gun.
“Excuse me Sir…. Umm… Sir” Steve sighed. Some more multi-tasking was going on inside his head, he was having a debate with himself wherever he should leg it out the alley or stay and see what happens. The majority voted to “leg it” but a tiny, tiny long forgotten part of his brain, the “adventure” part of his brain, voted to stay. The rest of the brain wasn’t happy about this.
WOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH THAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSS A LOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT OF WRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITINGGGGGG!!!!!!